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Maverik Monster Man

Anthony and I are at it again. Our boss (Charity) at the Mav asked us to come up with a one minute rap about being a good Maverik Employee. Or in Mav terms, "Adventure Guides." Lol. Hope you enjoy:)

ThE MaV... There's more???

Man comes in and tells me his car is broken and he needs help getting it jump started. He seemed a bit shady but I foolishly give everyone the benefit of the doubt. When we got outside he asked me to hop in his car to help him with something. I got in and he started it right up! He lied! He then took off and ignored my many pleas to take me back to work. About two miles later I jumped out of his car and walked back to my work. It was snowing that night and I wasn't wearing a coat.

My store usually has nobody attempt to run away without paying for gas but for some reason last week we had 5 drive offs! Frustrated I decided to play vigilante. I wrote down every single plate that I authorized for gas. Sure enough the drive offs continued. With the licence plate numbers, descriptions of the vehicles and the Sheriff on speed dial. We started having person after person dragged in by the police to pay their bill! I was proud of myself until I learned they weren't trying to get away with gas at all. Our credit card reader on the one pump all the drive offs were on was broken and they all thought they had payed. It was our pumps fault all along and all these peeps got one of Riverton's finest at their front door because of it.

Two black kids had sex in our bathroom. I know because a redneck walked in on them.

A homely looking gent strolled up to the counter with about thirty dollars worth of junk food. He pulled out his food stamps card but it was out of money, so he moved on to his unemployment card. That was emptied out as well. I almost felt bad for this man until he cursed under his breath and said "I can't believe I have to pay for this with my own money." He gave me a hundred dollar bill. A*#%&^E!

Two old people who haven't seen each other since they were in a concentration camp together in WWII were reunited when they both went to add sour kraut to their food at the same time!

Two women were in a fight out on the sidewalk. It ended when one spit chewing tobacco in the other's eye. Only in Riverton.

Gary Coleman came in and bought $4.27 in gas.

A lot of black salesmen have been hanging around our store every night for the past week. They love to congregate in a small circle out front and beet box/freestyle. I walked by them taking out the trash and told them they were pretty good. They egged me on to try flowin thinking I was just another redneck white boy. I not only agreed to do it but I challenged one of them to a battle. I won.

A cop. Let me repeat,,, A COP flipped me off after I offered him a free donut! Cops like donuts, don't they?

I always joke with some punks about them being stoners and only coming in around 4:20 for their munchies. They of course are always appalled that I would accuse them of that especially since they were never in there anytime near 4:20 I finally stopped giving them a hard time and told them I was joking all along. Those kids came in two days ago and I was the only one in the store. when they got up to the counter they said they had something to show me. They pulled out a plastic bag with at least a hundred dollars worth of weed in it! Freaking stoners! I KNEW IT!!!

A girl that has tattoos all over came into my store. I jokingly asked her why she didn't have any tattoos that say "Jeff." The next day she came in with my name tatted on her arm....

I tried to speak Spanish to a Mexican customer. The sentences I was attempting were "You made that hot dog well. You did a good job. Thanks for coming in." Instead I said "I'm pregnant thanks to you!"

I caught a kid stealing candy bars. The price of the candy: about ten bucks, the cost of his ticket: about two hundred bucks, the look on his fathers face when he saw his son getting a tongue lashing from the Sheriff: Priceless!

Spillin it!

My buddy Anthony and I were messin around in a recording studio today and here are two songs we came up with! Enjoy:)

DiD YoU VoTe?

Well, did you? If you were 18 years of age in 2008 chances are that you did! Statistics show that the numbers of voters increased by five million in 2008! Why though? Both canidates sucked right? If anything you'd think less people would care. Maybe the old people that voted in 04 didn't die yet... Let me check... Nope, dead as a doornail. WTF you say? well those five mil come from a people that usually wouldn't give a crap but they did this year. Young people and black people. Let me rephrase that a little bit. Young Liberal (If I don't put my mark on Obama's campaign I'm a racist) voters, and black (If I don't put my... what was I doin? Oh one bucket of extra crispy please) voters. Now now, take a deep breath before you throw that watermelon at my head and hear me out. You and I both know that probably about 50% of all voters a couple years ago don't even know the basics about this country. I'm excluding California who struggled with their last race for Governor between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, and a Porn Star who wanted to raise taxes on boob jobs. Cali has enough to think about so let's leave them alone for now. Out of everyone else in this country though we came up with Obama because of our ignorance. Therefore I have come up with a standardized test that all Americans should pass to have the right to vote. See how you stack up!

VOTER REGISTRATION QUALIFICATION TEST
UNITED STATES OF BIG SEXY
1. WHO WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?
2. IN WHAT CITY IS LIBERTY HALL?
3. HOW MANY STATES ARE THEIR IN THE U.S.A.?
4. WHO WAS MARTIN VAN BURIN?
5. WHO SIGNED THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE?
6. WHAT ANTHEM IS PLAYED BEFORE EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORTING EVENT?
7. HOW MANY ORIGINAL COLONIES WERE ESTABLISHED?
8. ORIGINALLY THE U.S.A. WAS FOUNDED ON THE ______ STANDARD.
9. WHAT'S THE AGE REQUIREMENT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES?
10. HOW MANY PRESIDENTS HAVE BEEN ASSASSINATED?

ANSWERS:
1. GEORGE WASHINGTON
2. PHILADELPHIA PA
3. 50
4. A FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
5. THE FOUNDING FATHERS
6. STAR SPANGLED BANNER
7. 13
8. GOLD
9. 35
10. 3

Now these were just the basics. So if you scored 9/10 then pat yourself on the back and vote! If you scored 5-8/10 then maybe learn a little bit more about the country before you cast a vote choosing who's gonna run it. If you scored less than 5, then maybe you should switch to original recipe.

My Hero

I wanted to take a minute to write a little about a man that stands out in my life. Everyone has a hero (other than their dad) and I want to tell you about mine. But before I do let's qualify a hero. Think of yours. Who is it? Sorry Matt, Batman isn't real, and sorry to you too Jordan cause only parts of Jenna Jameson is real. I'm talking about someone we can actually look up to here in these perilous times. Someone living a day to day life filled with the values he actually established himself as a personal goal to live up to such as: Honesty, Reverence, Hope, Humility, Charity, Sincerity, Moderation, Hard Work, Courage, Personal Responsibility, and Gratitude. Someone who over five million people look up to daily and on top of that is a worthy Priesthood holder in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints? Who is this mystery man? If you guessed Steve Martin you are absolutely wrong! Buahahahaha actually I know you know. It's Glenn Beck. I've been following this man for over a year now and he is the most honest, sincere, true, and powerful man in today's media. If you haven't checked him out, you should! I had the pleasure of meeting this man last summer. At the time Glenn had recently released a book called "Common Sense," which talked a lot about how badly the government is screwing us and how to prepare for the end. This book was actually so controversial that he had to relocate his family for their safety! Kind of Ironic a book so "bad" was number one on the New York Times best sellers list. It had actually sold seven times more copies than the book in second place at the time! Anyway I only got to visit with him for a few minutes because David Osmond was there as well and was taking up all Glenn's time. One of the questions I was able to squeeze in was about his recent book and "the end of times." He leaned in to me and with a softer voice he asked "do you really want to prepare for the end?" I nodded assuring him I did. He then did something unexpected. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pocket size Book of Mormon and Priesthood Ordinance book. He went on to tell us that he carries them in his pocket at all time. I won't go over that entire conversation with you but he essentially gave us a short shpeal on how we need to prepare with the Priesthood. Make sure we are worthy and know the ordinances inside and out. For a Celebrity that takes up three hours a day on the radio and an hour on TV he could have come up with anything for his answer. Not knowing that I was Mormon he offered me his very real advice on the off chance anyway. I've been grateful to see Glenn Beck be a man of his word and stand up for what he believes in no matter what the circumstance.

It's time...

Do you ever come to a crossroads in your life when you're not sure if you need to continue the same ol' same ol'? Maybe it be a job, the friends you associate with, what you do on the weekends, etc. I haven't quite pinpointed mine but I do know this. I've changed. And I'll continue to change for a while. Well we all change Jeff. Shut up, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not who I was a year ago. I'm not who I was in High School. So after progressing so far intellectually, spiritually, even in my personality, why do I continue to do things that no longer suit who I am? I've always been a believer in change. Not Obama change. But real change. The past is the past and I have no clue why I love to let it effect the here and now. I think if anything the past just holds me back. Makes me look at life in a dimmer light. My past consists of events, regrets, accomplishments, friends, places, lovers, etc. that happened. Once more, "that happened." They happened, they're done, over, dealt with, enjoyed or dismayed they are out of my life cause life is now not then. I'm going to attempt something difficult. To cut the past completely and be reborn today. Nothing and nobody from my past will effect this new life because they have had no part in me yet. I've changed, you've changed, the world has changed and it will never cease. Let's make the best of the here and now and drop anything that's keeping us from "Living our Best Life Now" as Joel Olsteen would put it.