BiG SeXy

The Latest & Greatest

2010-04-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

Maverik Monster Man

2010-03-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

Anthony and I are at it again. Our boss (Charity) at the Mav asked us to come up with a one minute rap about being a good Maverik Employee. Or in Mav terms, "Adventure Guides." Lol. Hope you enjoy:)

ThE MaV... There's more???

2010-03-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

Man comes in and tells me his car is broken and he needs help getting it jump started. He seemed a bit shady but I foolishly give everyone the benefit of the doubt. When we got outside he asked me to hop in his car to help him with something. I got in and he started it right up! He lied! He then took off and ignored my many pleas to take me back to work. About two miles later I jumped out of his car and walked back to my work. It was snowing that night and I wasn't wearing a coat.

My store usually has nobody attempt to run away without paying for gas but for some reason last week we had 5 drive offs! Frustrated I decided to play vigilante. I wrote down every single plate that I authorized for gas. Sure enough the drive offs continued. With the licence plate numbers, descriptions of the vehicles and the Sheriff on speed dial. We started having person after person dragged in by the police to pay their bill! I was proud of myself until I learned they weren't trying to get away with gas at all. Our credit card reader on the one pump all the drive offs were on was broken and they all thought they had payed. It was our pumps fault all along and all these peeps got one of Riverton's finest at their front door because of it.

Two black kids had sex in our bathroom. I know because a redneck walked in on them.

A homely looking gent strolled up to the counter with about thirty dollars worth of junk food. He pulled out his food stamps card but it was out of money, so he moved on to his unemployment card. That was emptied out as well. I almost felt bad for this man until he cursed under his breath and said "I can't believe I have to pay for this with my own money." He gave me a hundred dollar bill. A*#%&^E!

Two old people who haven't seen each other since they were in a concentration camp together in WWII were reunited when they both went to add sour kraut to their food at the same time!

Two women were in a fight out on the sidewalk. It ended when one spit chewing tobacco in the other's eye. Only in Riverton.

Gary Coleman came in and bought $4.27 in gas.

A lot of black salesmen have been hanging around our store every night for the past week. They love to congregate in a small circle out front and beet box/freestyle. I walked by them taking out the trash and told them they were pretty good. They egged me on to try flowin thinking I was just another redneck white boy. I not only agreed to do it but I challenged one of them to a battle. I won.

A cop. Let me repeat,,, A COP flipped me off after I offered him a free donut! Cops like donuts, don't they?

I always joke with some punks about them being stoners and only coming in around 4:20 for their munchies. They of course are always appalled that I would accuse them of that especially since they were never in there anytime near 4:20 I finally stopped giving them a hard time and told them I was joking all along. Those kids came in two days ago and I was the only one in the store. when they got up to the counter they said they had something to show me. They pulled out a plastic bag with at least a hundred dollars worth of weed in it! Freaking stoners! I KNEW IT!!!

A girl that has tattoos all over came into my store. I jokingly asked her why she didn't have any tattoos that say "Jeff." The next day she came in with my name tatted on her arm....

I tried to speak Spanish to a Mexican customer. The sentences I was attempting were "You made that hot dog well. You did a good job. Thanks for coming in." Instead I said "I'm pregnant thanks to you!"

I caught a kid stealing candy bars. The price of the candy: about ten bucks, the cost of his ticket: about two hundred bucks, the look on his fathers face when he saw his son getting a tongue lashing from the Sheriff: Priceless!

Spillin it!

2010-02-28T23:05:00.000-08:00

My buddy Anthony and I were messin around in a recording studio today and here are two songs we came up with! Enjoy:)

DiD YoU VoTe?

2010-02-27T13:24:00.000-08:00

Well, did you? If you were 18 years of age in 2008 chances are that you did! Statistics show that the numbers of voters increased by five million in 2008! Why though? Both canidates sucked right? If anything you'd think less people would care. Maybe the old people that voted in 04 didn't die yet... Let me check... Nope, dead as a doornail. WTF you say? well those five mil come from a people that usually wouldn't give a crap but they did this year. Young people and black people. Let me rephrase that a little bit. Young Liberal (If I don't put my mark on Obama's campaign I'm a racist) voters, and black (If I don't put my... what was I doin? Oh one bucket of extra crispy please) voters. Now now, take a deep breath before you throw that watermelon at my head and hear me out. You and I both know that probably about 50% of all voters a couple years ago don't even know the basics about this country. I'm excluding California who struggled with their last race for Governor between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, and a Porn Star who wanted to raise taxes on boob jobs. Cali has enough to think about so let's leave them alone for now. Out of everyone else in this country though we came up with Obama because of our ignorance. Therefore I have come up with a standardized test that all Americans should pass to have the right to vote. See how you stack up!

VOTER REGISTRATION QUALIFICATION TEST
UNITED STATES OF BIG SEXY
1. WHO WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?
2. IN WHAT CITY IS LIBERTY HALL?
3. HOW MANY STATES ARE THEIR IN THE U.S.A.?
4. WHO WAS MARTIN VAN BURIN?
5. WHO SIGNED THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE?
6. WHAT ANTHEM IS PLAYED BEFORE EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORTING EVENT?
7. HOW MANY ORIGINAL COLONIES WERE ESTABLISHED?
8. ORIGINALLY THE U.S.A. WAS FOUNDED ON THE ______ STANDARD.
9. WHAT'S THE AGE REQUIREMENT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES?
10. HOW MANY PRESIDENTS HAVE BEEN ASSASSINATED?

ANSWERS:
1. GEORGE WASHINGTON
2. PHILADELPHIA PA
3. 50
4. A FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
5. THE FOUNDING FATHERS
6. STAR SPANGLED BANNER
7. 13
8. GOLD
9. 35
10. 3

Now these were just the basics. So if you scored 9/10 then pat yourself on the back and vote! If you scored 5-8/10 then maybe learn a little bit more about the country before you cast a vote choosing who's gonna run it. If you scored less than 5, then maybe you should switch to original recipe.

My Hero

2010-02-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take a minute to write a little about a man that stands out in my life. Everyone has a hero (other than their dad) and I want to tell you about mine. But before I do let's qualify a hero. Think of yours. Who is it? Sorry Matt, Batman isn't real, and sorry to you too Jordan cause only parts of Jenna Jameson is real. I'm talking about someone we can actually look up to here in these perilous times. Someone living a day to day life filled with the values he actually established himself as a personal goal to live up to such as: Honesty, Reverence, Hope, Humility, Charity, Sincerity, Moderation, Hard Work, Courage, Personal Responsibility, and Gratitude. Someone who over five million people look up to daily and on top of that is a worthy Priesthood holder in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints? Who is this mystery man? If you guessed Steve Martin you are absolutely wrong! Buahahahaha actually I know you know. It's Glenn Beck. I've been following this man for over a year now and he is the most honest, sincere, true, and powerful man in today's media. If you haven't checked him out, you should! I had the pleasure of meeting this man last summer. At the time Glenn had recently released a book called "Common Sense," which talked a lot about how badly the government is screwing us and how to prepare for the end. This book was actually so controversial that he had to relocate his family for their safety! Kind of Ironic a book so "bad" was number one on the New York Times best sellers list. It had actually sold seven times more copies than the book in second place at the time! Anyway I only got to visit with him for a few minutes because David Osmond was there as well and was taking up all Glenn's time. One of the questions I was able to squeeze in was about his recent book and "the end of times." He leaned in to me and with a softer voice he asked "do you really want to prepare for the end?" I nodded assuring him I did. He then did something unexpected. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pocket size Book of Mormon and Priesthood Ordinance book. He went on to tell us that he carries them in his pocket at all time. I won't go over that entire conversation with you but he essentially gave us a short shpeal on how we need to prepare with the Priesthood. Make sure we are worthy and know the ordinances inside and out. For a Celebrity that takes up three hours a day on the radio and an hour on TV he could have come up with anything for his answer. Not knowing that I was Mormon he offered me his very real advice on the off chance anyway. I've been grateful to see Glenn Beck be a man of his word and stand up for what he believes in no matter what the circumstance.

It's time...

2010-02-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

Do you ever come to a crossroads in your life when you're not sure if you need to continue the same ol' same ol'? Maybe it be a job, the friends you associate with, what you do on the weekends, etc. I haven't quite pinpointed mine but I do know this. I've changed. And I'll continue to change for a while. Well we all change Jeff. Shut up, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not who I was a year ago. I'm not who I was in High School. So after progressing so far intellectually, spiritually, even in my personality, why do I continue to do things that no longer suit who I am? I've always been a believer in change. Not Obama change. But real change. The past is the past and I have no clue why I love to let it effect the here and now. I think if anything the past just holds me back. Makes me look at life in a dimmer light. My past consists of events, regrets, accomplishments, friends, places, lovers, etc. that happened. Once more, "that happened." They happened, they're done, over, dealt with, enjoyed or dismayed they are out of my life cause life is now not then. I'm going to attempt something difficult. To cut the past completely and be reborn today. Nothing and nobody from my past will effect this new life because they have had no part in me yet. I've changed, you've changed, the world has changed and it will never cease. Let's make the best of the here and now and drop anything that's keeping us from "Living our Best Life Now" as Joel Olsteen would put it.

AnD iT cAmE tO pAsS

2010-02-12T17:02:00.000-08:00

THE FIRST BOOK OF NEPHI
CHAPTER 1
1 What it is. My name is Nephi and I'm gonna tell yall about ma hood. My parents are chill and they learned me up to be the same way. I've seen a lot hit the fan in my life but God has my back. He's been so good to me I'm gonna write down what's up right quick. 2 I'll do my best to write as my pops (Lehi) would. A little Jewish, and I'll throw some Egyptian in on top of that. 3 Don't doubt what you're about to hear cause it's all legit. I wrote it myself so I should know! 4 My pops is Jerusalem home grown straight up. He's been representin the desert since he was just a young pup. Every year has been a trip but this one took the cake. All sorts of crazy fools preachin the word, claiming if we don't repent our city is gonna get a round house to the face and nobody will be left to tell about it! 5 My dad was trippin, so he prayed. 6 In the middle of prayin a pillar of fire came out of nowhere to say what's up! Along with that pops saw and heard things that scared the crap out of him. 7 When he got home he looked like he had a beat down like Rodney King. He went in his room and tried to crash. 8 God had other plans though and threw down his A game in yet another vision. My dad just layed there as he saw things like God, sitting on a thrown with all his Angels round about givin him props. 9 One of the Angels was blingin a bit more than the rest. It seemed as though he was coming out of heaven. 10 Twelve others followed this angel and though they were brighter than most they weren't quite as bright as their Alpha Dog. 11 They gave dad a book and told him it was storytime. 12 My dad was diggin it cause as he read he was filled with the spirit. 13 The book confirmed all our peeps suspicions! Sure enough Jerusalem was gonna blow, and all there were gonna get iced or carried off into Babylon. 14 My dad gave God props for the stuff he saw and was greatful God would spare his homeboys that would agree to follow him. 15 Pops was so stoked! 16 My hand is getting tired so I'm not gonna etch everything my dad saw, but for now I'll keep going. 17 When ever I can finally finish his I'll bust out one of my own. 18 When he finished seeing stuff he pounded the pavement to tell everyone about it. 19 The Jews were pissed cause my dad was straight up with them. He pointed out all their sins and told them of the book and about a Saviour that would come to fix them up right quick. 20 Once a Jew always a Jew. Just as they wanted to jack up all the prophets back in the day, they wanted to bust a cap in my dad too! I'm not scurred though. My dad has the power of Got strapped.

Whaaaaat???

2010-02-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was a big one for my family. My little brother Jace, was baptized into the church! The spirit was so strong! Maybe even too strong? I'll explain in a minute... Being a family event, all my closest relatives were there to support the little man. In fact my Grandma Rasmussen traveled from Fountain Green (Central Utah) to be there. A feat she only performs if she absolutely has to. It was wonderful to have her there accompanied by Uncle Lewis who drove the journey with her. As the typical Mormon family that we are, we held an after party for Jace including small sandwiches, Jello and Carrot Cake. When it came time for my Uncle and Grandma to get on their way, we had to stop them in the driveway for one last picture with Jace. My sister grabbed a few with her Polaroid and I pulled out my iPhone to get one or two for myself. Afterward slipping the phone into my pocket to give goodbye hugs. I thought of those pictures this morning before I got out of bed and realized I had not looked at them yet. Still laying there, I scrolled through to find the two pictures. I was shocked at what I saw! This is real! I checked my sister's camera and nothing like this was seen. So why, who, or whaaaaaaat???

bottom right corner

stairs in the garage

The Power of Appreciation

2010-02-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

It's amazing to see the impact you can have on someones life through simply appreciating them for who they are and what they are about. I recently read a book entitled "How to win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. In it I found the simplest ways to please those around you and influence them for the better. Within these pages there's an entire section on smiling. It is absolutely impossible for you to be mistreated when smiling. In fact I've recently tested that theory on all the grumpy freakers that come in to my store for their coffee at the butt crack of dawn. No matter how grumpy they look walking through the door, I stay determine to keep the smile on my face even if my cheeks hurt. I've not seen one person hold to their solemn face:) It's Impossible!

And as for the power of appreciation I wouldn't know where to begin. That's why I attached this video to show you an exaggerated version of it's power. Since reading this book I've mentioned absolutely everything I appreciate about each individual in my life and I've seen miracles. I've seen co-workers that are typically 20 minutes to an hour late everyday start showing up early. I've had siblings surprise me with dinner when I got home. I've received huge price drops in bills at restaurants. All because those serving me received an accolade from me and the spirit in receiving such a thing cannot be matched with money or any other means.

The greatest reward of all for making the effort to appreciate someone is the exact thing I talked about earlier. Smiles. The look on their face that will inevitably be carried into another persons realm only to have the same effect. It's a mere breath of wind that begins tsunamis. It's a mere smile, or accolade that changes the world. Let's do our part. If you're not smiling yet, start. NOW:)

Mi Vida Loco

2010-02-03T10:49:00.000-08:00

Life has recently taken some random spirals. I was headed in one direction but life had different plans. I'm pretty sure all of you knew I have been given the opportunity and blessing of managing my own sales team in TX. I honestly felt so lucky to have acquired the position in one year as others spend for or five before they're able to do the same. After accepting the position four months ago I grabbed the bull by the horns and worked. Worked. Worked at getting my team together and preparing myself to make the absolute most out of this summer. A whole sales team, months of training, 5 sales books and 3 management books later I received a call. My Caller ID read "Coach Mac."

After high school was over I spent a brief three months preparing to play football for Coach McBride at Weber State University. My career was cut short by an injury to my left shoulder followed by a surgery and a doctor that said "no go." I left on a mission. I've been home from that mission now for over a year and here is Coach Mac on my Caller ID? Of course I answered. That phone call led to me meeting with him and the new Lineman coach up at the stadium in Ogden. Before I knew it all three of us were in the Doctor's office together. The same doctor that did my surgery 3 years ago! But this time was different. This time he gave me the "go ahead!"

I am no longer employed as a Sales Manager for Incite Marketing. I now have my full-ride football scholarship back to Weber State University and am working out with a personal trainer every morning to prepair to start this season! Mi Vida Loco. My Patriarchal blessing mentions I would be a huge influence in my sports. I wondered how exactly that was to be fulfilled when it looked as though sports were no longer an option. Oh how the Lord works in mysterious ways. A tricky one he is! Lol. Anyway, all that happened just this last week. I feel extremely blessed, excited, and not to mention very soar from the workouts. I hope you all will come to a game to support me.

Is this why Utah Mormons have such a bad rap?

2010-01-31T03:01:00.001-08:00

I love you, but...

2010-01-25T22:08:00.000-08:00

Question: At what point does failure, depression, anxiety, self esteem, and abuse overcome pride? At what point does your family start sounding right when they've sounded so wrong for so long? At what point does a suffocating heart stop beating?
Answer: Who'd you give your strings to?
Every once and a while I think we all need to step back and take a self inventory. Our life is one thing that we have all to ourselves. We have been blessed with our individual talents, features, desires etc. to make us happy. We should all be running our lives accordingly. I'm sad to admit I haven't ran my life for a while now. You may be having the same problem but not even know it. This is where the self inventory comes into play.
Step 1) Locate your strings.
What are we looking for anyway? Who's pulling my strings? I, personally have had plenty holders of my strings throughout my life. When I go to make any decision I'm never making it entirely for me. It's always me and my dad or me and Abby, or me and Calee etc. Hardly any decision I have made in my life was a Jeff only decision. Was I asking their advice on the subjects? Probably not but when I think of who it effects I can't think of a time when I just thought about number one. And if I was just thinking about number one, where would my life be today? Am I grateful I had peeps on my strings or was I handicapped from it? Locate yours (because we all have them) and decide if those peeps are pulling you in the right direction or if you need to sever them completely and be the master of your puppet!
Step 2) Cut your strings.
This is only in the case that your puppeteers aren't cosier with your desires. Truth has it that we will do anything for those who support our dreams, justify our shortcomings, and help us throw rocks at our enemies. If these are the reasons for handing your strings over you may be in good company if not cut them off! Quickly! We all have need for "puppeteers" in our lives, but we have to be careful as to who we let them be. Where have I heard that before? I think I may have overheard my mom talking with my dad once upon a time about me needing to spend more time with "good influences." Is that the same thing?
Most of our lives consist of the influences within them. We all know the difference between good and bad influences however it's one thing to give a speech and quite another to try not justifying the influences in my own life. I've legitimately fallen in love twice, however there are many I have loved unconditionally.
It's in our nature to not only love the good but a lot of the time the bad as well. Love is like CPR. It keeps you running temporarily when you need it but unconditional love are like the arteries to your heart. Always pumping and you can't get rid of it. Though your heart is a cleanser, if it takes on too much contaminated blood you will die. Sometimes surgery is required to cut off some of these unconditional arteries and as painful as it is there's no other way.
There is a point to this I promise. I have a sister who has been abused again and again by her boyfriend, mentally and physically. She is not herself anymore. She went from being classy and lovable. To irritable and to be quite honest trashy. She has some contaminated unconditional love embedded within her chest that is slowly but surely killing her. No matter how bad he is to her she will never leave him. She will stand by his side in marriage, get beaten every day and not say a word. Our family has loved, hated, cried, yelled and nothing will keep her from leaving with him and getting hurt every single day. Is it to late for her? That's up to her. My prayers are with her and I hope she comes out on top but in the meanwhile she has given me reason to question my own life. Reason to take a look at my own strings and see if I myself have the appropriate people pulling on them.
I hope none of you are in as deep as my sister but I hope you would all examine your own strings, if you have one person pulling your strings in a way you disagree with, find someone else to hold it for you. We can only make this change for ourselves.

Ohhhh Sundays...

2010-01-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight around 9:30 I received a text from my cousin Hailey. It read, "STOP! DON'T MOVE! Take a picture of whatever is in front of you! Send it to me and then forward this to your friends and see what random pics you get:)." So I followed orders: Sent her a pic of the lame movie I was watching, (Across The Universe) Then went ahead and forwarded this text to a bunch of people. You wouldn't believe the things people do on a Sunday night! Below are what I thought were the top three... Enjoy!

#1

#2

#3

P.S. In case you were wondering, #1 and #3 are from completely different people!

New Clue!

2010-01-21T00:12:00.001-08:00

CLuE

2010-01-19T01:22:00.000-08:00

It didn't take long for Darren (Manager: Maverik Country Stores) to notice something was wrong when he got to work early Monday morning. The bakery crew (Rosa & Eduardo) were nowhere in sight, so he questioned Heidi (Clerk on duty) as to their location. Without uttering a word Heidi pointed toward the cooler. Heidi's wide eyes put Darren's defenses up. When he entered the cooler, he found his missing crew. Eduardo's back was turned toward the entrance as he was digging viciously through a box. To his left, Rosa was sitting on the floor, holding her knees to her chest crying as she rocked back and forth uttering, "por que? Por que?" more tears fell. Eduardo eventually heard Darren and stopped digging, so he could turn to face his boss. Darren watched as the boy turned box still in hand. Getting a good look inside the box now, Darren looked as if he was gonna be sick! Somebody stole half a box of hot dogs from the cooler!!! But who?!?!? Who could have done this? Can you please help?

CLuE: The cooler is always unlocked while the morning bakery crew is there. After they leave, a separate set of keys to the cooler hangs in the office and everyone has access to them,(if you have worked there long enough to know which key it is out of the 100 hanging there.) And the box looked like someone attempted to reseal it. Could have happened anytime after they were delivered 4 days ago...

SuSpEcTs:

Rosa: Morning Bakery Lady who usually works 4:00 am - noon. Has everyone's trust, always on time and speaks English nearly fluently as a second language. Carpools to work with her Nephew Eduardo when they work together. Has her own personal key to the cooler and is in there for hours at a time alone each week. She has worked here for just shy of a year now.

Eduardo: Morning baker/clerk. Has been working here for almost one month. Got the job from his aunt Rosa and rides with her to work most mornings. He recently completed his training and started working some days alone just this week, and has his own set of cooler keys. He is 22 years old and kind of a punk rocker. English is his second Language.

Eric: Operations Manager. Recently promoted from grave yards. Has a clean track record as far as anyone knows but is a flaming homosexual. Has keys to everything in the store and dated the old Operations Manager (Shane) ,who was fired for stealing! Is usually ten or fifteen minutes late for work, but hardly ever misses a shift. Very prideful and disliked by several employees. Eric has worked here for 8 months, give or take.

Big Sexy: Works graves as a Clerk twice a week, including the night before the incident! Is related to several higher ups in the company and though he does his job well, he could care less if he loses it. Claims he has never entered that cooler and doesn't know which key it is even though he's worked there for about 4 months now! He is always on time if not early and usually stays late cause his co-workers punctuality sucks. Especially Nicole's but he doesn't mind cause rumor has it he wants her. He usually eats a hot dog sometime during his shift.

Nicole: Clerk. Nice Cleavage. Hates her boss and talks mess on Eric and Heidi behind their backs. Spends a lot of time on her phone during her shifts, but gets the job done. Recently thought about walking out because she was being treated unfairly. Usually 20 mins to an hour late and makes cheese bread sometimes with bakery food. She has been working at the Mav for just over a year now and is anxiously awaiting an overdue raise. She likes her job and wants to keep it. Rumors have it that she wants Big Sexy.

Heidi: Morning shift clerk. Working when the loss was discovered. Knows all the keys to everything and is usually alone for an hour first thing in the morning. Even on Sundays when the bakery crew isn't there. Ex Meth addict but very reliable and trusted worker. Family is very poor and she can't afford to lose her job. Has worked at the Mav for 1 year.

Darren: Manager. Works about 5 hours each morning. Just had a baby and has been spending a lot of time at home instead of work. Loves the Utah Jazz and hot dogs! Never at work during swing or graveyard. Has all the keys but hardly ever leaves his desk. The bakery crew is there 90% of the time he is.

Anthony: Darren's cousin. Looks like a G Unit but couldn't hurt a fly. Does a good job and is always on time. Also claims he has never been in that cooler and knows not the key with which to open it. Typically works afternoons but occasionally a morning shift and is never alone at work. Has been on a strict diet and refuses to eat hot dogs.

Conrad: Graveyard only. Is extremely trustworthy. Always on time. However he is alone at the store for 40 hours a week in the middle of the night. Lives alone and always seems to have sufficient for his needs. He has been working here for nearing a month and a half. He did not work two days prior to the discovery.

Scott: Clerk. Has worked off and on for Maverik for the last seven years or so. Does a good job and is always on time. Loves Maverik hot dogs and works afternoons. He was alone at the store for four hours Sunday night, the night before the discovery. Big Sexy is his brother.

Jose: Clerk. Works only one day a week. His one day this week was two days before the finding. Looks almost identical to Anthony but is no relation. Has never been seen eating a hot dog at work but likes to get drunk when he gets off. Art student. Always on time and is willing to cover other shifts if needed. Come to think of it, he covered Scott's eight hour shift the day of the delivery!

These are the clues and alibis of the Riverton Maverik Team. Please help me find out who it was and why! Or there will be pig on your hands!

Sincerely,

Detective Big Sexy

Team Big Sexy

2009-11-29T05:59:00.000-08:00

All of you know that I am single. In my efforts to get a leg up on everyone as far as my dating skillz or "game" if you will, I have studied the works of many greats such as: Jessi Consopolus, Zac Morris, Will Smith, Fonzie, etc. In my studies I came across two who stood above them all. Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. They are what we in the "game" like to call "Mac Daddies." After my discovery I spent a great deal of time dedicated to mastering their craft. When I felt like the public was ready for my new "game" to be tested I asked a girl I've liked for a long time now on a date. Her name was Shaniqua and to set the mood I took her to the New Moon movie. The following is a real life account of our date:

I picked Shaniqua up in my Xterra. I slammed on the gas as I backed down her driveway, once reaching the street I whipped the steering wheel to the left causing my car to slide and screech till I was instantly facing straight down the street. It was the wrong way so I flipped around quickly and started pursuing the theatre. Shaniqua gave me a Z snap and asked me why I'm driving so crazy. I simply explained to her, "if you only knew what these perverts were thinking about you!" I thought she understood till she assured me "but boo, there's nobody around." Kind of a backfire but I floored it and said "let me focus on getting us there so I don't go back and rip their heads off!" She once again came back at me, " but big poppa, there's no..." "SHHHHHHHH" I demanded!

Once at the theatre I parked the car and opened Shaniqua's door for her. She instantly pulled her jacket tight in the frosty weather and said "it's freezing out here suga!" she started to do some sort of horse traut toward the main entrance to get there quicker. I stood still and out of disgust I yelled, "as if you could out run me!?" I then full on sprinted toward the entrance, passing Shaniqua and getting there twice as fast as her. As soon as I stopped running I ripped a movie poster off the wall. I don't know why I did that. It just felt right.

The line was long so I asked her if she minded if I run to the bathroom real quick. She told me "a brotha's gotta do what a brotha's gotta do" and off I went. Once inside a stall I pulled glittery lotion out of my pocket and started to rub myself down. I got a lot of looks as I came out of the bathroom and walked through the crowds with my shirt off but the light was great for the glitter so I worked it. Well I worked it for maybe two minutes then security made me put my shirt back on.

Shaniqua assured me they were just playa hatin as we gave up our tickets to the attendant and walked up to the refreshments counter. She ordered first: "Could a sista get some, popcorn, some juji fruits, maybe a large Coke, Buncha Crunch, box of your Red-Vines and oh, lets see... couple gum-balls and a pickle on a stick." She looked up at me and asked "you gettin anything boo?" I explained to her than I can't eat, then asked her if she could explain the taste to me and maybe compare it to the taste of blood. She smiled and said "more for me. Let's go suga."

It was hard to be close with Shaniqua during the movie as she moved around a lot. Arms to drink, drink to mouth, arms to Red Vines, Red Vines to mouth, arms to Buncha Crunch... You get the idea. She finally turned to me with her mouth full and said "why have you been staring at my neck and smelling me the whole movie?" I told her I was struggling resisting her. I looked deep into her eyes and whispered "you're like my own personal brand of fried chicken. Or maybe watermelon." She took a big swallow and responded "ohhhh suga you don't have to axe me twice, let's get out of here!" and we did.

Speeding down the streets of West Vally to her home she couldn't get her hands off me. I was with Shaniqua till almost 11:00 pm that night! All my work had payed off. Thanks for everything Edward and Jacob. My game has never been tighter!

The Mav...Continued!

2009-11-27T06:33:00.000-08:00

More adventures from "Adventures First Stop"

Kid in his early 20's walks directly to the counter after entering the store as if he's on a mission. I give him the attention his approach deserved and asked what I could get for him. He responded, "a pack of Camel 99's , Gold Coast 100's, Newports, Reds and a Single Cherry Prime Time." As I filled his order I asked him "why such a variety?" It took him a few moments to respond but when he did he simply replied, "if I'm goin down, I'm goin down smokin." I was too puzzled to ask any further questions, I rang him up and he paid in cash. The kid picked up his sack of Tobacco and paused before looking at me and saying "watch me pull out." I nodded and off he went. He put about 3 or 4 smokes in his mouth (I'm guessing different flavors) and lit them all. He backed out, shifted into "drive" and floored it! As soon as his car hit the street, cop cars from 3 different streets on the intersection lit up as if they'd been waiting. The kid took the street that wasn't producing red and blue lights and the chase was on!

A freeloading piece of crap in a hoody and a beenie came into the store and grabbed both of our "give a penny-take a penny" trays. After emptying and counting them he slid the change across the counter, not adding to it and said "that's about half a Prime Time." He was wearing a smile worse than Jack Skelington's and gave me the "I obviously look poor, so cut me a slack and give me a free smoke" look. I took the change, put it in my till and grabbed his Prime Time. His turd-eating grin diminished as I started to unwrap his precious. I think he shed a tear as he watched me snap it in half and give him the filter end, leaving him with less than a centimeter of actual stoagie to smoke. He took it without saying a word and walked out the door.

A kid who couldn't have been more than thirteen came into the store with two girls and bought condoms.

The night before Thanksgiving women everywhere were getting their panties in a twist over the newspapers that were coming the next morning with all the specials in them. Several left me money and begged me to reserve them one. One lady stayed up all night and called me every half hour to see if they'd been delivered yet, I finally asked her for her number and told her I'd call her when they were in. The following day as I walked in for my shift I noticed we had a hand-written sign on the door that read: "OUT OF NEWSPAPERS, SORRY." I had to chuckle to myself about it as I hung up my coat and noticed we had one newspaper left behind the counter. Not five minutes went by before a lady mentioned how disappointed she was we were out of newspapers and how she could really use one the next day. I surprised her by producing the one behind the counter and she had an expression on her face you only see on babies when you blow on them and they can't seem to catch their breath. Before she could get the money out of her purse the woman behind her in line grabbed it and ran! Out the door, dropping two coffees in the parking lot and escaping in her mini-van! The woman in front of me still had one hand in her purse as she turned her jaw-dropped face to look at me. I was speechless...

I noticed two things on a poorly dressed man I could smell from across the counter (other than his poor attire and smell lol.) 1. This man had the devil tattooed on his forehead and 2. He wore a little black badge on the pocket of his greasy coat that read "Future Missionary."

A man with his hazards on pulled his car into a parking stall with two flat tires around 2:00am. A routine drive through by a police officer happened coincidentally at the same time. I watched through the window as the officer followed protocol and pulled over to assist the man. I left to bag ice for a few minutes and when I came back to look there was a second cop and the man was touching his nose as he did some sort of uncoordinated dance for about five feet. I went to bag more ice and came back again. This time there was a third cop. One officer was handcuffing the drunkard, another officer had a bottle of something in his right hand and the last officer had a big bag full of white stuff. Busted...

A man with a nail stuck through his hand stopped in to buy a Coke on his way to the Emergency Room.

I was spraying of the parking lot with a hose when the Krispy Kreme delivery boy (Wade) showed up in his big truck, and backed in towards the store getting as close to the front doors as possible. He's become a friend of mine since working there so we bumped fists when he got out. We made small talk for a minute or so, when when the front of his truck stopped rumbling but something in the back was still making noise. I asked him what was backed there and he assured me all he had back there was doughnuts. We both approached the back door to his truck skeptically and he pulled some lever that made the back door fly open and retract into its ceiling. As soon as the inside was visible a guy who was probably in his late 20's and not dressed for the weather jumped out and ran with a box of doughnuts wedged under each of his arms. Both of us were silent as our wide eyes watched the event. Before I could ask Wade if he knew the man, Wade spoke up with a "who the hell is that?"

The Gas Truck driver pulled in and told me since it wasn't busy and he had a lot of gas to poor he had time to show me something. He took me to his truck and told me to hop up in his cab. Fishy I know but I trusted the dude. In his passenger seat he had a six-point buck that looked like he accidentally hit on his way over, but ewww did it stink! He knew I'd gone hunting last month and didn't get anything so after the incident he thought he'd hook me up. As if the situation wasn't weird enough I found out that he had the deer from the night before but I was off work, so he's been driving around with it for over a day! Truck Drivers!!! I turned down the offer as politely as I could.

SABUSE

2009-11-24T12:06:00.000-08:00

In tenth grade Chase (Murdock) Petrey and I started a rap/beat box group as a joke. We called ourselves "SABUSE" which was short for Suburban Abuse ha ha. We wrote weak rhymes and I flowed, while Murdock served me a beat. Well as I was going through boxes of old junk the other day, I came across the first rap I ever wrote. I had to edit it of course cause I used to be a little punk a** but you'll get the basic idea of how ridiculous my sophomore year must have been:
1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and...
"Thug Life"
rollin in my Benz, sportin a 9
rookies comin up, but I get mine
by my side I got me 14 hoes
like any other playa or pimp would know
ya need two for every day of the week yo
one for a piece and one for corn rows
all this bi*** talk is drainin my tap
I about to rob a store and I'm about to bust a cap
I got my heat, wit Murdock by my side
we straight from the ghetto, these punks from east side
they better step off before I slash the tires on their ride
it's a conflict of interest, we about to collide
cause they know we're forizzle like to do it
dizzle jizzle fizzle sizzle mizzle kinda cracka lacka wizzle zizzle
think twice boom boom or you'll end up dead
two clicks one pull and y'all be full of led
killed the suckas, homeboy and I rollen
clubbin all night, crash in the mornin
cause this is how the playas in the SLC play
we own the night and lay low in the day
it's a hardcore life, I tell you no lie
oh sh** son duck, its a drive-by

Wow, that sounded even more ridiculous as I typed it. Please keep in mind I wrote that like six years ago. Don't judge me! You don't know me!

Mistletoe N'Stuff

2009-11-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,
I'm sorry I haven't written you in a while. My Parents tried to convince me that they were Santa. I want to apologize for them. You know how the in the last letter you got from me I asked you for a real WWII helmet I could play Army with? Well last night, I got up for a glass of water around 3:00 in the morning. My father happened to be up and he was playing Nintendo Wii wearing nothing but his underwear and a real WWII Army helmet!!! When he heard my footsteps he swung around and looked at me like a deer in the headlights, that's when I saw it! Written plain as can be in Army print. The front of the helmet read: PRIVATE BIG SEXY. Can you believe that Santa? my dad has been hording my gifts all along! My eyes turned red and I demanded to see his stronghold. He took me to the bookshelf and pulled on a book he knew none of us would ever touch labeled "The Boring Book for Old People." My dad's a clever one! A hidden door revealed itself and suddenly I was surrounded by Nintendo games, Gum Balls, Playing Cards, and hot girls in bikinis! He even had a water slide! I'm so sorry I didn't figure this out long ago Santa. I knew you weren't the person your presents portray you to be! I mean, why would you want me to get a bunch of socks and books. Not to mention how ironic it was that you stuffed my stocking with enough Lifesavers to kill myself! I love you Santa and I will keep your name alive! Only one question, where has my dad been putting all the coal he must be receiving? Anyway, you'll receive my Christmas list soon. Once again my most sincere apologies.
Jeffy

I woke up this morning and my best friend was missing!

2009-11-18T03:39:00.000-08:00

Clearing Cobwebs From My Forethought

2009-11-17T04:54:00.000-08:00

I made a lot of decisions today. So did you! I make quite a few each day but just realized it. Just today I chose to: (Only read the YELLOW, I'll get to the RED later.)

*Get out of bed +All of the following
*Shower +Smell good
*Call three mission companions +Retain relationships
*Call my boss -Go to a meeting
*Flirt with my ex -Get false hope
*Buy my brother a book -Be $20.00 poorer
*Pay a bill -Be $170.00 poorer
*Drive to Provo at 1:00 to watch a meteor shower -Freeze
*Watch that meteor shower with my best friend's crush -Piss him off
*Visit peeps I haven't seen in months +Make someones day
*Eat fast-food -Jiggle for a week
*Set up a date +Break down my wall

Plus a few other's I won't bore you with because that alone is ELEVEN things! Now before you look at the RED, look over the YELLOW again and count how many bad decisions you think I made. You might be a little less optimistic than me but if you're thinking the way I think you are you probably think two or less wrong decisions were made today. I'm thinking probably only one, (sorry about that Matt.)

I had an epiphany tonight on my way home as I was thinking over my day, (The Secret suggests it lol.) The YELLOWS weren't decisions at all. They were the catalysts for my decisions. What I actually decided to do are the REDS. (Look them over now.)
Apparently my forethought has been failing me for a while now. Every time I "decide" I'm going for a drive just to get out of the house, I'm actually deciding to waste gas. When I "decided" I'm going to college, I was actually deciding to make a better life for myself. When I "decide" I'm still in love with her and no one will match up, I'm actually deciding to be a lonely man.
For some reason a lot of us never look past the now and "decide" a lot of things without letting the most important person know about your decision...YOU!!!...
The examples I gave above are juvenile compared to the real decisions we make all the time. I deal with crap all the time from decisions I never made!.... Or did I? Know this, and know it well!
* THE PAST IS THE PAST. THE PRESENT IS THE PAST. THE FUTURE IS NOW!*

What looked like a pretty good day, quickly changed to a pretty lame day when I saw what I really did. The theme of this blog is also the new theme of my life. The future is now, and every "decision" I make effects that! We all know the difference between a good decision and a bad decision. Instead of "thinking" our way through life, let's "fore think" it and be a little bit happier:)

WARNING: This blog doesn't apply to you if you're a transvestite deciding which bathroom to use.

R.I.P. Common Sense...

2009-11-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

Nidal Malik Hasan (Terrorist of the Fort Hood Shooting) had been trying to contact Al Queda for quite some time before he opened fire inside the U.S. Army base. The Army was well aware of his actions, but because we're too afraid to look like "racists" or "Muslim haters," we did nothing and now 13 are dead and 30 are wounded. Why are we so afraid of political correctness? Last time I checked we were in a war with the same people we were on Sept 11, and those people are Muslim! COMMON SENSE PEOPLE!!!! Anyway, my heart goes out to those lost in Fort Hood. Especially as I have a brother who is serving in the Army but it does not go out to our government. We saw this coming. I love my Country and I love our military and losing 13 over something so preventable just makes me sick.

R.I.P. Common Sense

Common Sense, the type of information many people believe you were born with, was pronounced dead last night on the floor of the United Nation's Security Council. Several High-Ranking Government officials were there, but nobody noticed it's passing for several hours.

For years Common Sense was responsible for many Americans not using the toaster as a bath toy, taking off their clothes before ironing them, and not jumping off the roof with a broomstick between their legs after reading Harry Potter.

In the early 1970s, Common Sense began noticing symptoms of his fatal illness when Evel Knievel kept mounting his motorcycle after having broken every bone in his body at least once. Symptoms worsened in the mid 1990s during a lawsuit by a woman who was burned by coffee. The final blow came in 2002 with the premiere of NBC's hit reality show Fear Factor.

Common sense is survived by Litigation, its dysfunctional step-cousin. In lieu of flowers, Litigation asks that you send broken glass to children. -Glenn Beck

As individuals, let's not be afraid of political correctness. It's our Country's biggest problem. Instead of exorcising our freedom of speech, we're all shutting up out of fear of offending someone. We are at war, let's act like it.

ShAwTy ThE FiSh

2009-11-10T00:29:00.000-08:00

This blog is dedicated to the one woman in my life who has never let me down.

At the end of May 2009, I was living in San Diego with four other roomies. Within one week they all decided to bail, leaving me completely alone. Having your own apartments has it's posatives obviously but it also has it's negatives. One of those being lonelyness. I went from having too many bodies in my apartment to none. I would go to sleep alone, wake up alone, have breakfast alone, etc. I needed someone to wake up to. Someone to tell about my day. How can I just go out and get it though? Where would I find that? I think we all know the answer... Wal-Mart!!! They have everything right. Wal-Mart has never let me down before, so off I went.

I wandered the store aimlessly looking for a sign, any sign. I didn't find what I was looking for in electronics, not in clothing or in food. I finally took my search into the pets section and know that it was fate that I ran into her there, because I didn't even have a pet. I looked at her and she looked at me. We were one. I was mesmorized by her big eyes. She was black and her name was Shawty. We knew it was right and she moved in with me that night. Things were better from that day on.

Every morning I'd wake up and make us both breakfast. I'd explain the dreams I had the night before and she listened ever so intently, never interupting. She was perfect. She stayed at home while I went to work and she was always there when I returned. Sometimes we'd fight because I'd come home and she'd be on facebook, getting my computer all wet as she flopped around on the keyboard. All though I must share some of the blame, I never waterproofed it like I promised her. Other than that we had a zion relationship. How could I get mad at her when she almost always has those big lips puckered.

Shawty has been with me through the worst. She traveled with me from San Diego to Salt Lake City just to meet my family. She even moved with me to San Francisco when I decided I needed a change. And now back home in Utah she's right next to me as I write this. She's the one woman in my life that's never let me down. I love you Shawty!

ThE MaV

2009-11-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

So since I've been back in Utah I've picked up a job working graveyard shifts at Maverik "The Mav," gas-station. What I didn't think about is how interesting the people would have to be to need a gas station in the middle of the night. I've only been doing it for 3 weeks or so now but already have some funny stuff I wanted to share with you:

*Man came in pissed. Talked to me for over an hour. Confessed His wife is hiding half a million dollars from him, and he hasn't had a blow job in ten years. He also told me he uses Viagra as he leaned to an older man in line next to him and said "you know what I mean," to which the older man replieed, "nope, haven't had to resort to that yet ha ha."

*Woman came in pissed. It was confirmed when she brought a Bud Light Tall Boy to the counter and stated "sorry I'm paying with only change, I just really need a beer." I asked her "what's up?" She replied "evil sister in-law." My co-worker chimed in at that point, "I hate it when you don't like in-laws." and this is the customers exact qoted response, "yeah, she can pump herself out of her @$$hole!" Ba ha ha it didn't make any sense at all but it was one of those moments that out of rage she said the first thing that came to her mind and though confusing we all understood.

*Middle aged, fat/bald man comes bragging about his highschool football days worse than Uncle Rico! He bets me $10 that he can throw a football over a hundred yards! Of course I took him up on it. He told me to bring him a football and he'd do it the next day. The next day came and I provided. We stepped outside and we tossed it back and forth to warm him up. When he felt good about it he aimed for a huge building down the street that was at least a hundred yards away, got a running start and released. It went maybe fifty yards before falling down and smashing the window of a white car parked on the side of the road. Red and Blue lights lit up on the roof of the car!

*A man pushes his car as it is out of gas to pump #1 around 3am. Walks in and begs me to front him five bucks in gas cause his wallet is at home and he would leave me his ID card in the meanwhile. I agreed. He left me his ID card. He never came back so I left a note taped to his ID at the store. When I clocked in the following day I noticed the freaker's ID was still there and I was furious. I pulled out my phone and called his number on the card. He answered. I said "Hey James Goethe, 5'1" 135 lbs from 11235 Parkerton Ln. Taylorsville, UT. This is Jeff 6'8" 340 lbs from 2700W. 12300 S. Maverik Gas Station. I want my five bucks. I know where you sleep." I hung up the phone without saying bye and he came in that night with five bucks.

*On halloween night some little punks came into the store and asked "do you have any eggs?" I replied "no sorry we're out." they looked bummed out then asked "do you have any toilet paper?" I smiled, "yes we do, let me show you where it is!"

*On halloween night a random dance group pulled up in a bus, jumped out, did the entire thriller dance in the parking lot then loaded up and left without buying a thing.

*A girl came in and didn't have enough to pay for some gas. She offered me pleasure in exchange for money. I told her nothing pleasures me the way money does and sent her on her way.

*Man came into the store and said his girfriend caught him cheating that day. As he's unloading to me a red VW pulls in and he says "oh sh**, that's her! I've been avoiding her all night. can I hide somewhere?" The idiot didn't think his car parked out front was enough for her to know he was there. I let him slide behind the counter and duck down. She came in and very politely bought an ice block, then left. after about five minutes the guy thanked me and left. when he walked around to the drivers side of his car, there his girlfriend was and he got an ice block to the face!

* I was stocking the cooler and through the glass doors i saw some kid sneek a chocolate muffin into his jacket pocket. I ran out to make sure I was the cashier that rang him up. He put an Icee on the couter and when I asked him if that was it he agreed it was. So I rang up the slurpy "$1.27" I said, "oh" I reached across the counter and pushed on his jacket smashing the muffin all over his shirt and said, "$3.31 with the muffin." the kid cried but payed up muahahahaha.

To Be Continued ;)

Adressing The "Walls"

2009-10-31T02:23:00.000-07:00

This is a sequal to the blog below

"The Subject Of..."

Imagine for a minute that these were literal walls we built in our lives. Some are taller than others but we know what they all have in common. The foundation. The first three feet of bricks or so are the strongest. Not just because they create the base but they are the whole reason the wall is there in the first place. The emotion you are going through when you start your wall is more dense and meaningful than the rest of the wall when you tend to get tired and sick of it all. Let's call the first three feet "REASON," or "CAUSE."

After taking things that far we usually stop to think for a second or two. Did this really happen? Should I really be acting this way? It's not long before you realize it did happen, you're still pissed, and you can still see across that d*** wall! So you start building another three or for feet so you can't see what's going on anymore. "Out of sight, out of mind," right?? Wrong! You temporaroly block things from from your sight so that you don't have to think about it as much. Let's call the next four feet of our wall "HIDING."

Wow life is good now. you can't see a thing over that wall! You're feeling better already. You lay down right next to the wall to rest from your hard work. The air is cool and the sky is blue:) Wait! What's that? White in the sky. A CLOUD! COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL!!! HOW DARE THAT CLOUD THINK IT CAN COME INTO YOUR RHELM!!! A crazed maniac now you buy the tallest ladder you can find and build build build... Nothing will come in our out of this heart!!! Heart? No no,,, I said Wall! Nothing will come inside or outside of this wall! You work and work untilyou reach the part of our wall labeled "depression," and you collapse. Fall off the ladder. Bitter, tired, bruised, you realize you can't keep everything out. In fact you miss the grass on the other side. You've really F'ed up the grass you have on your side phsyco. Why did you build this wall you wonder? That's it.... It's gotta come down.

But where do you begin? "DEPRESSION?" Do you need to wait out all your sadness before moving on? Naw there's gotta be a quicker way! "HIDING?" I guess you can let yourself be aware of your problems but what did that do? They're still problems! "CAUSE?" Eurika! The bottom of the wall! The whole reason everything else still stands above you! Hit those bricks with a hammer! Get those out of the way and the rest will come crashing down!

Wow how easy this would be if we could all just realize we had wall building tools in our hands before we start. If you do, drop them! Don't allow yourself to fassion a wall if you can help it. Unfortunately more often then not we do build these walls. So so high. Then we feel like we have to let things suck for a long time "(DEPRESSION.)" where we sulk and let nothing more than a mere cloud enter our rhelm of existence. Once we're done with that we move some bricks off the top and feel wind and noises from the other side. If you talk others will hear you taking your time coming out of "HIDING." Know that once you realize you have a wall. Don't take a year to bring it down. I've been there I know it's hard but if you look at the "CAUSE," of the entire problem and tackle it head on, then the rest is unnessisary. Does that mean deal with the problem head on? NO! That will make you miserable. What happened happened and it's not coming back and you know it's not! Hence the wall.... Whatever it was, replace it and put your whole heart into that!

It may take some time for your heart to adjust to it's new environment but this way it doesn't skip a beet! When your loved is lost your love is not. Channel it in a new direction and don't waste time building walls or hiding behind them. The world is gonna turn with or without you. You don't want to be looking at bricks when the real love of your life is painting the wall on the other side. Keep moving! Keep moving! Because we both know we don't wanna stay here and we don't wanna stay now. Put your shoes on, let's go!

ThE SumMeR ObSeSsIon

2009-10-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

-Just FYI, this spacific blog was posted on my old blog at the beginning of August but I didn't want it to go to waiste so I'm just transferring it over today. Enjoy-

The title of this blog is actually the name of a band I have grown to love the last few months. A couple weeks before the summer started Jordan Ault and I packed our Xterras to the roof. We took what little cash we had and set off for San Diego.
During a brief four days spent in St. George along the way we went off road, rock climbed, reunited with old friends, made some new ones and spent a lot of time talking about how awesome our summer was going to be in California. At about two in the morning of the fourth day there we decided we couldn't wait anymore. We would drive all night and be in San Diego by the morning.
We headed out and when I hit the freeway I was scanning my Ipod for something to listen to when I came across a band I didn't know I had. Reading the title "The Summer Obsession," I thought it fit the situation quite nicely, not knowing at the time their sounds would ultimately be the soundtrack of my summer."Don't need no cash, we can make a dash, hit the street. It's always been, always been, you and me. Baby it's cool, you suck at school anyway, let's pack it up, let's run away, run away. I don't care what we do, where we go, how we get there. We can drive, we can fly, we can walk, we can sit here. Take your time I'll be fine, nevermind me I'll be alright. Cause tonight I'm down for whatever. Got no flow, I'm so broke, finding change between couches. I watch you from a distance, I remember all those instances, when you smile, when you laugh when you crash, when I'm there to catch you when you fall. And I miss you. I wish you were hear. I stopped breathing when you said you don't care anymore. We had the best times of our lives, being the bad guys singing along. A1A bust a left, hit the beach when it gets late. Moonlit night, summer skies we align with the ocean spray. "
I would just like to give shoutouts to those of you who have been a part of it thus far. First and foremost Calee Schroeder, my best friend/coolest/most beautiful girl I've ever met. Jordan Ault for starting this journey with me and for always having my back. James Barsdorf for currently hooking me up with a sick job that pays extremely well:) Dad and Emily for your patience. Anyone who baught food storage from me. Ha ha I sold food storage lol. Todd Hair for being a sick manager while I did it. Josh, Tyler and Cameron as well for taking the risk. A.J. for introducing me to Hurt Locker lol. Luke for being hilarious. My brother Scott for completing basic training with the Army. Kristin Davies for being a pal and hooking us up with Mitt Romney's boogie boards! Elder Holland for speaking in church a couple weeks ago. Mom and her man I have yet to meet. Supa for stirring the pot. Ryan Memmot cause if I don't put him on here he'll cry like a baby and say stuff about me not rapping about him. Matt Klekas my lover. Kevin and Benji for being pimps and Abby Staples for completing her mission! Love all you guys, thanks for being so rad. You've made it possible for me to survive.
I'd also like to mention: Costco Hotdogs, half priced sushi, freckles, bum tickles, sand in my bed and in my shower, the smell of perfume on my pillow, the Padres, Glenn Beck, 5 for 5, Anchors away, SD Fair, SD zoo, especially the Panda exhibit, sombrero mexican food, blink 182, dashboard, blue october, The Summer Obsession of course, Ron Pope, Tech n9ne, Caribou Lou, Jellysickles, ShAwTy, lust, nissan, bmw, dragon paintings, love, blue eyes, good kissing, naps, jellyfish, Xcel Alarms, Daily Bread, Danny Wright, Vegas, the Sahara Hotel, Arizona, the big chair in beaver, stadium of fire, snuggle fest 2009, my two stalkers and one on the rise, harry potter, john grisham, Laguna Beach house, the 1.5 million dollar painting in that beach house, Climbing to the Hollywood sign at night, paying a quarter to use bathrooms in LA, the trollies, alcatraz, body surfing, the 20,000 miles I put on my Xterra, surviving, President Jardine, Robbie Huckvale, Travis McGarrah, and the list goes on.

The Miracle of Forgiveness

2009-10-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

I've slacked off a bit spiritually since being home from my mission. I've recently tried to get back into the routine of daily scripture study. What holds me back is I love to read and if I'm gonna sit down and read a book it's difficult for me to focus on Lehi's dream when I could be finding out who's snipers have cross hairs set on Kyle all day in The Associate by John Grisham. So I figured if it's a novel I'm looking for might as well read a church novel or at least a church book in novel format. As I scanned the shelves at Deseret book I came across "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball." I had an instant flashback to a time before my mission when I came across the book in the church library and I asked my bishop about it. He responded in these words, "don't read that book! You'll never want to serve a mission if you read that book! That book can make an apostle feel guilty!" I was stunned at the time but a smile now ran across my face as I thought well the missions over now muahahahaha.I had a few companions tell me they had to read it as part of their repentance process, everyone knows it's the ultimate punishment for transgressing. Why did I wanna read it? I don't know but I didn't want others in the store to judge me for picking it up. I felt almost like I was buying a porno (not that I've ever done that) but I remember looking side to side to see if I was being watched. When nobody was looking I reached out and snatched a copy all in one motion then positioned it with the cover against my body so nobody would know the difference. Once the eagle had landed I made my assention to the front counter, looking back and forth at people as I moved swiftly. I stopped momentarily to admire all the CTR rings that were in different languages, then continued as I put into perspective the package I had obtained and the need for it to be in my glove compartment as soon as possible. I slammed it on the counter face down so even the lady checking me out might not know. She spoke up, "Miracle of Forgiveness eh?"I shrieked and replied "it's not mine, it's for a friend!" Why did I say that so loud. SHE SEES RIGHT THROUGH YOU! I'm sure she's heard that one a million times before. I started to question if I was guilty. The expression on her face told me I was. Ahhhh no wonder my bishop was trippin. Why am I getting this? PUT THE THING IN THE BAG LADY IT'S BEEN SITTING THERE FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES! It's a good thing this thing will help me repent. I'm repenting? Am I talking or is the book talking now? My precious! My preeeecious! Give me my precious!"21 dollars." The woman said as I shot her a look. "That's the price of repentence in this church ha ha ha." What? Oh I was thinking outloud again.She was kind enough to put it in a black bag for me and off I went.I put the bag in my glove compartment and never opened it again. Instead I read a less scary book that afternoon. "The Shining" by Steven King."

ThE SuBjEcT oF...

2009-10-30T01:12:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna ramble for a minute.... I don't have anything prepared to say about this subject only that I've been thinking a lot about it lately. LoVe...

I'm not sure if you can define it. It's like trying to describe what salt tastes like. All you can say is..."well, it tastes salty of course!" Yeah that's the ticket! (Sarcasm) Unless you've tasted it you can never really grasp what exactly it tastes like. Unless you "taste" LoVe, it's impossible to know exactly what it is.... So I'm not gonna even try to explain it. This blog is for those who know what I'm talking about, and you also know that it is the single greatest feeling in the world. To literally care about someone and their well-being over your own. To always look forward to serving them and making their day. My intention is not to ramble on about how great it is because all of you who know me, also know I'm extremely single at the moment. I do LoVe, but I'm a victim of dating people who are afraid to LoVe back. In most cases it's because you've been hurt in the past and you've put up those walls to protect yourself. I know that is hard to break those down I've been there but it is so worth it. The last time I let those walls come down I LoVed for about four and a half months then she moved on. What did I do? I rebuilt my walls of course until I realized it. Right before I placed the last brick I took a recking ball to the whole project. Being hurt SUCKS...BAD!!! But we all know there is opposition in all things. You can't have the good without the bad. Things suck now but was it worth it? Absolutely! So if you have a wall, do yourself a favor and break it down. Now! Bring on the pain! However much I go through now, it will be so so sweet when it's done. Nothing is certain in the game of LoVe. But that doesn't mean you can't play! If the water looks good, take a dive. If you hit unseen rocks below, you'll heal as you walk to the next cliff then jump again! It's so worth it.
-Dedicated to Sam and Ryan... (They found the deep water.)

OuCh!

2009-10-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

If I like you I'm keeping you!

2009-10-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

"In the car, I just can't wait. To pick you up on our very first date! Is it cool if I hold your hand? Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance? Do you like my stupid hair? Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear? I'm to scared of what you think. You make me nervous so I really can't eat." -BLINK 182

What happened to high school? You know when if you had a first date every week you were "the man." Different chicks, different stories, fresh, exciting, unpredictable? Well in my case, Abby happened. I hated the idea of a girlfriend until she asked me to go to Bingham Ball with her. Throughout the duration of that date I thought to myself that there was something different about her and I wanted to keep it! Long story short, we were together for a year and a half after that. I had to adjust to the relationship lifestyle but loved every second there is something to knowing someone vs getting to know them. Having those kisses be consistant and familiar. Loving! And even better, being loved! Once we broke up it was back to first dates and it sucked. click the link below before reading on...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQXqBjJZX4Y

I feel exactly how Vince Vaughn felt in that video lol. Minus the game he meantions at the end:) But seriously, why is dating so hard? Being fake for your first 4-5 encounters. Trying to fulfill the checklist: Attractive? Funny? Smart? Compatible? And when you do find that person ( and I've found her twice) is it gonna last or like me is one person going to move on? Leaving you to start over! Ugh, am I ready to be married? Probably not, but I would like to have someone to witness my life and I theirs. Someone to spend Halloween with watching a scary movie instead of bumpin and grindin at the parties:)

I've been reading "The Secret" lately and it says anything you want you just have to place an order with the Universe. If this is true, here's my order: Short, fit, big hair, smells yummy, wears stilhettos often, good kisser, likes to watch football, loves to read, knows politics, goal oriented, spontaneous, educated, thoughtful, committed. If you're out there I'll spoil you I promise!

MyEmMyOtT

2009-10-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

In high school I rapped in the talent show. A lot of the rap included shout outs to peeps I was tight with. And some I wasn't tight with but they rhymed so why not lol? Anyway ever since Ryan Memmott has been giving me hell about not including him in it so I decided to write an entire rap just about him! It goes something like this...

Let me tell ya bout ma boy Ryan Memmott
He's so special he always wears a Helmet
Rides the short bus to work and he's strapped with his lunch box
It's a good thing he has a wife now to make sure he's matching socks
You Tube's and Facebooks all day long
When he's feeling blue he sings the Barney Song
"I love you and you love me
oh how I wish I was Big Sexy"
Work get's out, then he's of to da club
Sportin F150 with the Camoflaug Dub
Gettin his groove on and all that junk
Aint no chick can compete wit his trunk!
If he disagrees he'll responde with "that's gay"
though he swears he has much more to say
"F this shiz" be his notorious phrase
Mtn. Dew quick snaps him out of a daze
All and all he's a good guy to know
It was way too easy to write this roast of a flow

I love you Ryan... Hope you're satisfied:)

10 MoNtHs LaTeR...

2009-10-26T01:14:00.000-07:00

As you already know I came home from my mission (Sacramento, CA) December 5th 2008. I was just thinking today how fast the time has flown since being home. A lot has happened in the last year and since this is kind of the introduction to this new blog I thought I'd catch you up to speed with what's been Happenin!

December 2008

Returned from my mission. Gave a homecoming talk on the Strength of Youth Pamphlet which I had never read before and didn't even read before giving the talk, and oh wait still haven't read. I'll get to it I promise! Reunited with my High School Sweetheart Abby Staples and spent nearly everyday over that Christmas break with her. Got a Job at Casual Male XL (it's not just a job for me but a lifestyle:) First Christmas at home with my family in 3 years!

January 2009

Met up with Coach Ron McBride at Weber State University and set a plan to get started with the Football team in August. Worked tons of overtime at Casual Male as everyone was on vacation. Got a Job offer working as a Traffic Controller for a construction Company. Took the Job. Froze my nuts off working that job! Still dating Abby:)

February 2009

Abby broke my heart on Valentine's Day. It was over. I worked 80 hours a week and had no life.

March 2009

Continued to work and had no life. Went off roading a lot on the weekends in my new Xterra. Jessica Rancie named my Xterra "Mandy," and almost killed us when I let her drive for a bit. (Never let blonde Australians take control of anything.) Got a job offer to sell Daily Bread food Storage in San Diego, CA.

April 2009

Left my construction job and road tripped to San Diego with Jordan Ault. Stayed in St. George for four days where I ran into my first kiss (Chelsey Cook) and we didn't kiss. I also ran into Nicole who I did kiss! Overlooking St. George from the top of Dixie Rock at night might I add. Pretty Sweet. Thanks for that anatomy lesson by the way Nicole:) Got to San Diego and met some awesome people! My favorite,,, Calee Schroeder!

May 2009

Sold food storage to the Mormons of Southern California. Met some amazing people while doing it as most of my customers came from Glenn Beck Referrals! Cut ties with Weber State Football as my injured shoulder couldn't take anymore. Dated Calee Schroeder and a couple other girls. Stayed in a beach house in Laguna Beach. Climed to the Hollywood sign at night and looked down over LA. Bonfires at the beach. Adopted a pet fish and named her Shawty! Watched as one by one my four roomies went home leaving me alone in San Diego:( Enjoyed the beach, sombrero, the Padres etc...

June 2009

Continued to work, live alone and date Calee. We did some awesome stuff like, Padres games, SD Zoo, SD fair (best day of my summer), eat TONS of Sushi! And almost just as much Costco Hot Dogs. Fell in love with Southern California! Taught Gospel Docterine.

July 2009

Road tripped to Utah for the 4th of July with Calee. Stayed in Vegas on the way. Got surprised with tickets to Stadium of Fire where I got to meet my hero Glenn Beck!!! Talked with him for a few minutes about the priesthood. AMAZING!!! Bon Fire behind Utah Lake. Fell in love with Calee.

August 2009

Got sick of the way things were going with the company I was working for so I left. I moved home to Salt Lake for a day. Yes... ONE DAY! then returned to San Diego for another day before ultimately moving to San Francisco to sell alarms for a company called Xcel. Calee found someone else and my heart once again was broken.

September 2009

Sold alarms and pretty much kept to myself as I was mourning for my loss,,, lol. But seriously. Made some good dough. Went on some sick adventures with James and Josh to Sacramento, Stockton, Oakland, all the tight places in SF etc.

October 2009

Market gets tough for a door to door salesman this time of year and I had made enough money to return home to Utah so that's what I did. Picked up a couple Jobs to save up even more before school starts in Jan. Been dating a bit, mostly Nicole (from St.George) and falling for someone who will not be named here:) Or maybe she has?

***So now you are up to date on where I'm at. I hope you enjoy my blogs from here on out and become a follower! ***